Trauma Therapy

Trauma isn't always a single event

"Rachel" thought she was the problem. When I first met her, she was in her early forties and had already spent years trying to figure herself out. She was smart, capable, and incredibly self-aware. She could tell you exactly what she was doing wrong. She just couldn't seem to stop doing it.

Rachel had been through a divorce and several difficult relationships. Each one had left her questioning herself a little more. She wanted connection, but relationships often became complicated quickly. She could become deeply invested, worry about where she stood, or feel hurt and rejected. At other times, she would pull away and convince herself she didn't need anyone. She was exhausted by the cycle.

She also struggled with sleep. Rachel rarely felt truly rested, but she'd learned to function anyway. Eating wasn't particularly consistent either. She might go most of the day without a proper meal and then realize she was starving. Exercise was different. That was something she could control. She worked hard to be disciplined and would push herself to workout even when she was tired. If she could just get herself together — eat better, sleep better, exercise consistently, stop overthinking, stop reacting, stop being so emotional then, she would finally feel okay.

When she couldn't maintain that standard, she was brutal with herself. "Why can't you just get it together? What's wrong with you? Other people manage this. Why can't you?" She carried that voice everywhere.

Rachel also had a complicated relationship with motherhood. She loved her daughter deeply, but there were times when she felt emotionally disconnected. She could be sitting right there and still feel far away. That brought on the guilt, followed by more self-criticism. She often accused herself of being a bad mom or not doing enough for her child, like she was one mistake from ruining her daughter's life.

To be clear... Rachel didn't come into therapy saying, "I think I have complex trauma." She came in thinking she needed to fix herself. And honestly, that was one of the most important things we began to unpack. The more we looked at her patterns, the less they looked like a collection of personal failures.

The difficulty sleeping.

The constant self-monitoring.

The harsh inner voice.

The trouble trusting.

The relationship patterns, and disconnection.

The need to stay productive and disciplined even when she was depleted.

They started to make more sense when we looked at them as adaptations. Over time, she had learned to stay alert, to manage herself closely, to anticipate what other people might need, to push through discomfort rather than listen to it, and to criticize herself before someone else could. Those strategies had helped her get through a lot. They just weren't helping her live the life she wanted anymore.

That was the shift for Rachel. She could stop asking, "Why do I keep doing this to myself?" And start asking, "What did this pattern once do for me?" That question created a lot more room for compassion. She began to see that the part of her that was constantly pushing, controlling, analyzing, and criticizing wasn't trying to ruin her life. It was trying to keep her safe.

Once Rachel could see that, she didn't suddenly become perfectly regulated. She still had difficult days. She still overthought things. She still had moments where the old voice showed up. But gradually, she became less afraid of herself.

She could notice when she was overwhelmed instead of immediately judging herself for it. She began paying attention to basic needs like food and rest instead of treating them as things she had to earn. She became more aware of when she was disconnecting in relationships and more able to stay present. Most importantly, she began separating "something is happening inside me" from "something is wrong with me."

That distinction was huge! For years, she had believed she needed more discipline. What she actually needed was a different relationship with herself. Not more pressure to be perfect and have it all figured out.

Rachel learned how to get support in her community, establish safety and boundaries for herself, be more aware of what was going on inside, and have more compassion for the parts of her that had to be strong all those years.